Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Rejected Cracked Article #2 - Quickie - Human Obstacles

5 Types of Human Obstacles

People need to learn to get out of other people’s way. Especially out of my way. It’s probably some sort of devolution phenomenon at work, but it seems like the human race is producing an alarming number of human obstacles. You might find them while walking through the mall or driving on the road, but believe me, they are out there, always in between you and your destination. For example, you’ve probably encountered:

The Doorstop
You’re about to enter a restaurant or shop but the person in front of you enters, then comes to a sudden halt as soon as they cross the threshold, like a deer in the headlights. If you’re not paying attention, you might walk right into their back and knock them over. Maybe you should do just that.

What They Should Do:
Enter the premises, step to one side, then look around to get their bearings.

A similar, but even worse form of this human obstacle is...

The Stairmaster
This primate likes to come to a sudden stop upon reaching the top of an escalator, blocking any hapless souls behind them. Commonly found in shopping malls, they are overwhelmed by the selection of new shops they are faced with on this strange new floor, and forget all about the third dimension which exists behind their back. That or they’re playing some sick version of King of the Hill, planting their flag at the summit of the mall. The danger, of course, is that the other escalator passengers’ time is running out, as the escalator slowly propels them closer to their inevitable fate, doomed to collide and pile up at the indifferent Stairmaster’s feet like cattle in the slaughter line.

What They Should Do:
Upon reaching the top of an escalator, just keep on going! Or, step aside and survey your wondrous new surroundings. Maybe you’ll meet some like-minded mouth-breathers, similarly baffled. Which brings us to...

The Thin Stupid Line
When you’re on foot and in a hurry in close quarters like a mall or school, you’ll be certain to encounter a mobile fence of people, ambling along in tandem like some lost set of zombie backup dancers from the Thriller video. This wall of human flesh takes up entire sidewalks or hallways, blocking your passage.

What They Should Do:
Walk in rows of two or perhaps a V-formation with a leader at the spearhead. Anything but a single row would allow others to pass around their group.

The Roadblock

It happens to everyone. You’re driving along and you get rear-ended, or bump someone ahead of you. Of course, as a responsible motorist, you want to stop and greet the other party, and investigate the damage to each vehicle. But wait! Are there other cars on the road? If the answer is yes, you should pull your responsible ass over first. This won’t apply to serious accidents, but a typical rear-ending, in which no one is seriously injured and both cars are perfectly operable. Why stop right there? It’s not a crime scene. Gary Sinise and Ted Danson are not coming to investigate. Hell, not even David Caruso gives a sunglass-donning shit about your little fender-bender.

What They Should Do:
Stop worrying about “contaminating the crime scene” and pull the fuck over to the curb or nearest side street.

Speaking of CSI...

No one likes to get stuck in traffic. It’s the worst. Tempers flare and thought-crime rates skyrocket as drivers plot the fantasy murder of whomever is making them late to their destination. Yet it seems like the vast majority of drivers just can’t resist slowing down to stare at the alluring flashing lights of emergency vehicles and indulge in some roadside schadenfreude. For some reason we never shed the childhood interest in ogling a firetruck or a human injury. If you think about it, it’s kind of sick to indulge one’s morbid curiosity at a stranger’s tragedy, yet no matter how late and frustrated you are, when it’s your turn to drive past the accident, you’ll probably slow down to catch a glimpse yourself.

What They Should Do:
Traffic accidents are not for our entertainment. Do your fellow motorists - and your soul - a favour: go home and watch crime and medical shows on TV. By the time you get home, there’s probably nothing else on anyway.